It was but 3 months ago when a very good friend of mine mentioned in his cancer ward hospital room that he didn't really have anyplace to go to pass away.  Sure, I guess he could have gone to a long term hospice to wait out the end; and we, his friends would follow.  Though, it takes no discussion, no real thought, to understand that this would still be a lonely death and one that the community of friends he had would be less involved with.

In the room that night was a woman of immense character and she knew that she and her husband had to take him in and they would have him in hospice at their home.  She mentioned it to her husband that night.  By morning they were making plans, still not aware of everything they were getting into, from giving medications to cleaning him after accidents to seeing him go way down and then bounce way up.  Her husband, a man who has shown me what a true man is, was all for this and it was a joint decision.

They went and told our friend, he broke down, damn, who wouldn't.  He trusted in their love of humanity and of him and he would pass, at some later date, in a safe place with family and friends literally holding his hands, touching his feet, kneeling to be able to get a hand on him.  Let's jump back a bit, for I was not part of the very beginning.

At the beginning I was fighting my cancer and its very effects on me.  So, I didn't know that the husband of this couple had taken apart a wonderful computer room - a nice sized computer room - and put everything into a bedroom.  Then he painted the room to a more soothing color.  Together they learned with the local hospice how to do this at home.  There would be nurses and doctors to help them learn and to help keep our friend as comfortable as possible.  That last phrase, "as comfortable as possible" is tricky.  For there are times when that comfort comes with a screaming voice as a clogged catheter is pulled out or the pain from the legions on organs of the body can not be managed by pain killers.

The local hospice gave them all of the equipment, including a bed, and supplies they would need, yet the couple went out and bought a small refrigerator and other items to make our friends life a bit easier, for he could no longer walk. 

This very ill friend had helped me many times as I had been fighting my cancer.  I was not going to just pretend it wasn't happening.  I did have some limits.  After some medication it was very tough for me to drive, my stamina was/is very low, and I was getting ready for a major surgery.  I began visiting each day at about 10:00 a.m.  - not every day, but many.  Then my surgery and a four week bed rest.  I was very happy that my friend had hung in there - I realize it is selfish, but I felt that way.

As soon as I could I was there each day, and during the day and night so many other friends were there, to visit, to help, to just be present for their friend.

I was their when my friend's mother and other son (my friend had lost a sister a few years ago to cancer).  It was an honor to meet them.

So, life kind of goes on.  He would be fine one day and not make any sense the next day.  The pain levels, despite an excellent system of delivery still fluctuated as I can assert for myself, they just do.
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I was slowly saying goodbye to the man whom I loved so much and who had taught me more than I could have imagined based on some of the most unusual circuitous conversations. Yet, something else was going on. I was becoming extremely close to the couple who were doing all of the work, with the nurses, of course.  But, they fed him, they cleaned him after  bowel movements, and all of that which comes with helping a person die a dignified death.

Let's take a tangent on this sentence - dignified death - have you ever wondered what it was?  Would it have been the same in the hospice itself?  Would all of us have been there so often?  I hope so, but I doubt it.  It it too easy to get caught up in our own lives and issues.  I think the dignity, in this case, came from having his three grown daughters holding him, his loving ex-wife, keeping him cool with a wash cloth, and then the other 4 to 8 people surrounding him, letting him know that the journey he was going on, we felt, would be a safe one.  That was a dignified death, and it happened at 3:39 p.m. today (March 19, 2010).

Backing up, what was happening as I would visit for hours is that I would also talk with this great couple.  And, through the weeks, we became very special friends.  Each of us in our own way, I believe.  Certainly with them as a couple and for them to meet my other half, but also, one on one with each of them.  It has become a gift which I was not seeking, could not have predicted, but am not surprised that my friend who left us today left for me.