A program I was watching this evening ended with a favorite C. S. Lewis saying: Experience is a brutal teacher.  But you learn, my God, you learn.

The truth to that is so obvious, yet so easy to forget.  When in the middle of a new experience, it is hard to see it as a another friggin growth opturtunity. (AFGO, as I like to call them), at times.  Sometimes, well, it is more like climbing a chained linked fence with a layer of barbed wire on top.  In can be scaled, but the effort on the first try, not having the correct tools, the right state of mind, the support that many challenges require one to be a fast learner and one who can push themselves to accomplish that task.

It was played at the end of the CBS program, Criminal Minds. It is a program that knows how to portray evil in many forms.  To me, it is one of the toughest, yet most fascinating programs to watch.  It explores evil without having to always show the gore that may or may not be a part of evil.  We know that evil can come in may forms, possibly, at times through ourselves.

I was thinking about this today.  I should be having a pretty major surgery next week, yet they need another of the 20 or so CT scans that I have had this year.  Notice the tone in my voice?  It is not thankful that I can do this, that I still, for now, have insurance to to do this.  For me, this is when the evil wants to come out, but I want to hurt myself, take myself out of the game, for good.

No, I don't do it.  Though, I gave it one hell of a chance a few months back and I found no solace in the truly near completion of the act.  It didn't seem selfish, for no one could know the pain I was and am in.  I was not apologetic to anyone, other than the desperation and panic it left them in, especially my partner.  It took  its tolls on a lot of people.  Was it evil?  I don't think so, though, I learned from the experience and as this post started, But you learn, my God, you learn.

Now, I know how to seek help from those so willing to give it to me. Yet, I live my life feeling like a burden to everyone and the fact that with my life insurance I am worth more to them dead than alive on a strictly financial point of view.  Often, I believe it would that leads to less stress for them and a better life each day.  I also know that my leaving, in any way, will not really improve their lot in life.  For, the energy which flows with love and between our souls is greater than a financial reward, of any sort.  It is a bond that should be cherished and recognized.  I can do that now.

Lewis had it correct: Experience is a brutal teacher.  But you learn, my God, you learn.

P. S. I looked up the definition of "evil," and it is almost impossible to find one that doesn't rely on the word itself in its description.  Which to me shows the power that evil is all about.